Tuesday, December 04, 2007

So Useless...I'm in Tears

I didn't mean to release Laurie from her latch earlier, but it was just so painful, I burst into tears!

Breastfeeding is turning out to be a real challenge, not for the lack of milk production, but for the pain that comes with it. I feel so useless - I could give birth to her without an epidural, but I can't even breastfeed her! The pain was so excrutiating earlier when she gave her initial clamp that my reaction was just to pull away. That caused Laurie to burst into tears herself, naturally. She was both hungry and upset, I'm sure. She must've been wondering why Mummy pulled away so suddenly. Kee Min took over and tried to pacify her by rocking her back and forth. My poor hungry baby, screaming away!

It was a long wait before I could get any milk to her. I really couldn't let her feed from my breasts because the nipples really hurt, and waiting for the steriliser to complete its run before I could use the pump and the bottles was agonising. Her wails were so heart wrenching, I couldn't stop crying. Oh the guilt! By the time I was done pumping and ready with milk in a bottle for her, she had cried herself to sleep and wouldn't wake to be fed. Terrible me.

I'm certain I've been doing everything right. Her latch has been good and correct according to all the instructions I'd received from the lactation consultant while at the hospital, and from all the sites I've been reading. Even my sister said her latch was correct when I she came over the weekend and saw me nursing Laurie. Yet it hurts so badly. And my heart hurts so badly now too. What do I do? I'm watching my little princess sleep so soundly, but on an empty tummy, all because Mummy couldn't take the pain...

4 comments:

joleelyn said...

awww li-sa. that was heart wrenching to read... hang in there. u're a new mum after all...
sorry. i can't say much coz i don't have the experience. I don't even have the experience of being breast fed. But what I can say is that u make a great mother. from the emotions that you felt about this... can tell... *hugs... your little girl is lucky to have you as her mother...

Hang in there Li-sa.....
*hugggsss*

brainybairn said...

Hope it helps to know that my friend had the same problem? Take heart. You are not alone

Jasmine said...

hey babe....
hang in there ya?

Anonymous said...

You don't need to feel guilt. You did nothing morally wrong, and your reaction was a spontaneous one to pain. Try not to blame yourself.
Babies are much toughter than you think. They won't suffer too much over a missed mead. Sounds callous, but it comes from experience. As new parents you will find you worry a lot, and every little thing that seems out of the ordinary might cause anxiety. This is natural up to a point. If you decide to have a seond child, you will find the experience quite different, and may well be more relaxed.
You're obviously a caring and loving mother...you're going to do just fine! You're looking for advice, and that's good, but trust your own instincts too!