Thursday, December 20, 2007

I am an INTP - huh?

Saw my friend's post on this in her FaceBook page and decided to try it out for myself. I'm a sucker for personality tests. Hahaha... Tell me, does it sound like me? I think it does.

***You Are An INTP***

The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But not an easy person to stay in love with.
Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative.

At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded

When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic

What's Your Personality Type?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Thank God for Mothers

And now I know why. It's tough. I didn't think it would be *this* tough, but it is.

From the moment you decide you want to become a mother, I can assure you, nothing that happens can be what you're prepared for, how your body will change, how you could react to the pregnancy, and then - how your life will change when baby finally arrives. Nothing anyone tells you can actually truly prepare you for any of this. All the reading, all the theory, all the prep work. Not that any of it is useless. Reading up helps. Talking to people and asking questions help. But it's still some bit of a shock to the system when you start living it out yourself.

I look at my daughter now, and she's the cutest thing to me. But knowing she's a girl and one day could be a mother, it actually pains me to think she could potentially go through all I have been. It's tough. I pray she will be tougher. And when her turn comes, I'll be there for her like my mum has been for me. Thank God for mothers.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Superman to the Rescue!

We went down to Gramophone last night for a quick look around to see what we could watch for movie night. Instead of a movie though, I found Season 6 of Smallville (currently showing on Channel 5 every Saturday at 6pm) for rental. Oh glee!

So here's the plan. I pop the DVDs in just before bedtime, and I turn the tv on at every feed and watch 30 mins worth of Smallville each time, with the subs on of course, so I disturb no one in the wee hours of the morning. And since Lauren's tummy is almost functioning like clockwork now, it means I get to finish about 3 episodes over 6 feedings from 10pm to 8am. I'll be done with Season 6 by Friday morning, when the discs are due for return, and then we'll look for a new set of videos to watch.

Last night, I completed 3 episodes, and I emerged in the morning feeling less irritable. Superman saves the day!

Friday, December 14, 2007

How long can you last on 3-4 hours of sleep?

Not much longer for me it would seem. This state of not getting enough sleep is getting to me. I'm tired, my temper and emotions are shorting out at a faster rate, and I think my sanity is just about to give way.

She wants to feed every other hour. Each feed lasts between 30-40 mins. There's usually a need for a diaper change in between. That usually takes another 5-10 mins. Sometimes, KM helps me. Most times I try to let him sleep unless I feel I really could do with a little more help. Then I need to burp her or at least keep her upright for another 5-10 mins. Therefore, if like today, she wakes up at 3.10am for a feed & change, I'm not done with her till about now - 4am. And if she needs to feed hourly, she could be up in another 10-15 mins. If I'm lucky and she decides to feed in 2 hours, I might be able to get at least 30-45 mins of sleep in between, considering I'm not normally able to fall asleep upon contact with my pillow. This pattern will last through the day until the next night. It has been like that for almost a week. I blog, typing with one hand while she feeds. This logging helps me maintain some bit of sanity, pulling my thoughts together in an attempt to find some coherence in me still.

I am tired. I am quick-tempered because I am tired. I am upset that my fuse is running so short. But I am tired. I feel bad that I feel so tired. Yet how can I not feel tired? I want time for myself. I feel guilty when I do find time for myself. But I need time for myself, to myself. I don't want visitors. He cancelled all visits from his relatives and friends. I'm grateful, but he seems angry with me. I am upset that he's angry, but I am tired. So very tired. I wish I needn't have to feed her, so I can sleep. How can I be thinking something like that? I love her. But I am so tired. I'm in tears.

Attempt at Getting Organised

We went to IKEA for a short while earlier and bought us over $150 of storage solutions.

My mum, in her efforts to help me get rid of the source of my irritation, sent me off to IKEA with a list of types of storage boxes to look out for. A minor dent in the pocket later, I must say I'm feeling a fair bit better than I did yesterday. At least the diapers are in neat stacks in nice fabric boxes and my mum managed to find space to hide the inumerable bottles of Dom. Don't we all just love IKEA?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Without a Care in the World

I wish I could keep her in this state forever, that she may never need to have a care in the world.

If only.

Feeling Irritable

I think being at home for long stretches does not suit me. I'm not complaining about being on Maternity Leave. Far from that. I'm enjoying not having to go to work and spending all my time with my baby. But, I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me and feeling too tired to deal with them. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me, feeling too tired to deal with them, and having them accumulate each day I don't deal with them. In fact, I'm not enjoying this state of mess and mentally logging an increasingly long list of to-dos to the point where I'm feeling highly irritable and ready to snap.

I can't stand the fact that I have 8 bottles of Benedictine Dom lining the floor in my study room. I can't stand it even more that I have uncountable numbers of Brand's Essence of Chicken stacked up in all possible cupboards in my home, and because there are so many bottles and so little space, the bottles have spilled over onto my study room table. It gets to me that there's an unused, old, baby cot mattress that's leaning against my study room cabinet such that I cannot open the doors and get what I want. I am not appreciating the numerous hampers with their useless content that have been coming to us from people I don't even know (ala in-law's contacts and acquaintances), taking up space in my small home. It frustrates me that my maid leaves her pillow, blanket and mattress out in the open in the study room. And it is absolutely getting on my nerves that despite repeated instructions to throw away the stacks of useless plastic/paper bags that have come with gifts and goodness knows what else, they are still lying around in even larger bags in my study room! My study room is becoming this huge warehouse of junk and I can't do any of my craft activities in there (or anywhere else) at all because I can't get to my supplies!

I feel like throwing everything out of that room into the corridor outside and let them rot and fester in the rain.

Highly irritable and irritated.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Back on Direct Feeding! Yippee!

As of last night, I've gone back on 100% direct feeding from both sides. *broad grin* I had a little scare in the middle of the night though, when Laurie somehow suddenly appeared to have problems latching on to the left breast (which was not the case just a couple of feeds before), and I really panicked. I actually started to perspire! But that eventually sorted itself out and she's been feeding fine for the last 5 hours. In the meantime, my breasts seem to be filling out really quickly, so I reckon I will still express some to keep for Grandma to feed her when I really need some extra sleep, or have to be out somewhere.

On a totally separate note, I think I have a very sleepy family here. This morning, my alarm went off at its usual shrill note, and for the first time, I actually didn't react to it immediately like I normally would, being the light sleeper that I am. Instead, I took a long while to search for the switch to kill it, and when I rolled over to look at the rest of the bed's inhabitants, I found everyone else fast asleep despite the noise.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Partially back on direct feeding...

It's been 2 days of feeding Laurie expressed milk from the bottle while my nipples heal over. Just a couple of hours ago, I tried nursing her directly from the less sore side again, and it was sheer joy to see her suckle. She seems to enjoy feeding from my breasts instead of the bottle (and I enjoy it just as much watching her suckle), so it was really upsetting for me not to be able to for 2 days. Worries of nipple confusion have been allayed, though my sis told me babies just somehow solve the issue for themselves. Even the lactation nurse I saw at the hospital yesterday told me to express and bottle feed for the moment.

I've got an appointment to finally meet the LC at the hospital on Monday. Hopefully we can solve the problem of sore nipples. The paed and lactation nurse both were of the opinion that it could be that Laurie's mouth was tiny in relation to my nipple size. Perhaps the problem would "solve" itself as she gets older. Meanwhile though, I've been encouraged by a friend to feed direct for a few minutes a day until the nipples toughen. In the meantime, I'm gonna still express for most of the day, and try to feed her directly once or twice in the evenings just to keep the rhythm. I'm praying it will all get better soon. I'm sure it will.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

So Useless...I'm in Tears

I didn't mean to release Laurie from her latch earlier, but it was just so painful, I burst into tears!

Breastfeeding is turning out to be a real challenge, not for the lack of milk production, but for the pain that comes with it. I feel so useless - I could give birth to her without an epidural, but I can't even breastfeed her! The pain was so excrutiating earlier when she gave her initial clamp that my reaction was just to pull away. That caused Laurie to burst into tears herself, naturally. She was both hungry and upset, I'm sure. She must've been wondering why Mummy pulled away so suddenly. Kee Min took over and tried to pacify her by rocking her back and forth. My poor hungry baby, screaming away!

It was a long wait before I could get any milk to her. I really couldn't let her feed from my breasts because the nipples really hurt, and waiting for the steriliser to complete its run before I could use the pump and the bottles was agonising. Her wails were so heart wrenching, I couldn't stop crying. Oh the guilt! By the time I was done pumping and ready with milk in a bottle for her, she had cried herself to sleep and wouldn't wake to be fed. Terrible me.

I'm certain I've been doing everything right. Her latch has been good and correct according to all the instructions I'd received from the lactation consultant while at the hospital, and from all the sites I've been reading. Even my sister said her latch was correct when I she came over the weekend and saw me nursing Laurie. Yet it hurts so badly. And my heart hurts so badly now too. What do I do? I'm watching my little princess sleep so soundly, but on an empty tummy, all because Mummy couldn't take the pain...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Laurie settled into this position while feeding this morning. Isn't she just an angel? I'm so in love with her! She'll be a week old tmw, and she's been feeding well and putting on weight steadily since discharge. She sleeps well at night too, so we've been getting good rest as far as standards for new parents go. No complaints. Giddy with love and joy.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

It's Been 5 Days

It's been tiring but wonderful.

She's such a darling, I could stare at her for hours! Her feeds are finally getting longer, with her taking in more each time and consequently the breaks between feeds are also lengthening. I reckon it's got to do with that I'm finally producing milk rather than just colostrum, so she's probably getting more full with each feed. That also means I'm getting more sleep in between! Thank God for that! KM and I are certainly beginning to understand the term "sleep deprivation".

Sleep issues aside, confinement food is already driving me nuts - I don't know how I'm gonna be able to take a whole month of seriously heaty food. My nose bleeds are not going away thanks to all this extremely... what's the English word for it? Potent food? But I suppose after 9 months of great discomfort, what's one more month? :P