Thank God for Mothers

And now I know why. It's tough. I didn't think it would be *this* tough, but it is.

From the moment you decide you want to become a mother, I can assure you, nothing that happens can be what you're prepared for, how your body will change, how you could react to the pregnancy, and then - how your life will change when baby finally arrives. Nothing anyone tells you can actually truly prepare you for any of this. All the reading, all the theory, all the prep work. Not that any of it is useless. Reading up helps. Talking to people and asking questions help. But it's still some bit of a shock to the system when you start living it out yourself.

I look at my daughter now, and she's the cutest thing to me. But knowing she's a girl and one day could be a mother, it actually pains me to think she could potentially go through all I have been. It's tough. I pray she will be tougher. And when her turn comes, I'll be there for her like my mum has been for me. Thank God for mothers.

Superman to the Rescue!

We went down to Gramophone last night for a quick look around to see what we could watch for movie night. Instead of a movie though, I found Season 6 of Smallville (currently showing on Channel 5 every Saturday at 6pm) for rental. Oh glee!

So here's the plan. I pop the DVDs in just before bedtime, and I turn the tv on at every feed and watch 30 mins worth of Smallville each time, with the subs on of course, so I disturb no one in the wee hours of the morning. And since Lauren's tummy is almost functioning like clockwork now, it means I get to finish about 3 episodes over 6 feedings from 10pm to 8am. I'll be done with Season 6 by Friday morning, when the discs are due for return, and then we'll look for a new set of videos to watch.

Last night, I completed 3 episodes, and I emerged in the morning feeling less irritable. Superman saves the day!

How long can you last on 3-4 hours of sleep?

Not much longer for me it would seem. This state of not getting enough sleep is getting to me. I'm tired, my temper and emotions are shorting out at a faster rate, and I think my sanity is just about to give way.

She wants to feed every other hour. Each feed lasts between 30-40 mins. There's usually a need for a diaper change in between. That usually takes another 5-10 mins. Sometimes, KM helps me. Most times I try to let him sleep unless I feel I really could do with a little more help. Then I need to burp her or at least keep her upright for another 5-10 mins. Therefore, if like today, she wakes up at 3.10am for a feed & change, I'm not done with her till about now - 4am. And if she needs to feed hourly, she could be up in another 10-15 mins. If I'm lucky and she decides to feed in 2 hours, I might be able to get at least 30-45 mins of sleep in between, considering I'm not normally able to fall asleep upon contact with my pillow. This pattern will last through the day until the next night. It has been like that for almost a week. I blog, typing with one hand while she feeds. This logging helps me maintain some bit of sanity, pulling my thoughts together in an attempt to find some coherence in me still.

I am tired. I am quick-tempered because I am tired. I am upset that my fuse is running so short. But I am tired. I feel bad that I feel so tired. Yet how can I not feel tired? I want time for myself. I feel guilty when I do find time for myself. But I need time for myself, to myself. I don't want visitors. He cancelled all visits from his relatives and friends. I'm grateful, but he seems angry with me. I am upset that he's angry, but I am tired. So very tired. I wish I needn't have to feed her, so I can sleep. How can I be thinking something like that? I love her. But I am so tired. I'm in tears.

Attempt at Getting Organised

We went to IKEA for a short while earlier and bought us over $150 of storage solutions.

My mum, in her efforts to help me get rid of the source of my irritation, sent me off to IKEA with a list of types of storage boxes to look out for. A minor dent in the pocket later, I must say I'm feeling a fair bit better than I did yesterday. At least the diapers are in neat stacks in nice fabric boxes and my mum managed to find space to hide the inumerable bottles of Dom. Don't we all just love IKEA?

Without a Care in the World

I wish I could keep her in this state forever, that she may never need to have a care in the world.

If only.

Feeling Irritable

I think being at home for long stretches does not suit me. I'm not complaining about being on Maternity Leave. Far from that. I'm enjoying not having to go to work and spending all my time with my baby. But, I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me and feeling too tired to deal with them. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me, feeling too tired to deal with them, and having them accumulate each day I don't deal with them. In fact, I'm not enjoying this state of mess and mentally logging an increasingly long list of to-dos to the point where I'm feeling highly irritable and ready to snap.

I can't stand the fact that I have 8 bottles of Benedictine Dom lining the floor in my study room. I can't stand it even more that I have uncountable numbers of Brand's Essence of Chicken stacked up in all possible cupboards in my home, and because there are so many bottles and so little space, the bottles have spilled over onto my study room table. It gets to me that there's an unused, old, baby cot mattress that's leaning against my study room cabinet such that I cannot open the doors and get what I want. I am not appreciating the numerous hampers with their useless content that have been coming to us from people I don't even know (ala in-law's contacts and acquaintances), taking up space in my small home. It frustrates me that my maid leaves her pillow, blanket and mattress out in the open in the study room. And it is absolutely getting on my nerves that despite repeated instructions to throw away the stacks of useless plastic/paper bags that have come with gifts and goodness knows what else, they are still lying around in even larger bags in my study room! My study room is becoming this huge warehouse of junk and I can't do any of my craft activities in there (or anywhere else) at all because I can't get to my supplies!

I feel like throwing everything out of that room into the corridor outside and let them rot and fester in the rain.

Highly irritable and irritated.

Back on Direct Feeding! Yippee!

As of last night, I've gone back on 100% direct feeding from both sides. *broad grin* I had a little scare in the middle of the night though, when Laurie somehow suddenly appeared to have problems latching on to the left breast (which was not the case just a couple of feeds before), and I really panicked. I actually started to perspire! But that eventually sorted itself out and she's been feeding fine for the last 5 hours. In the meantime, my breasts seem to be filling out really quickly, so I reckon I will still express some to keep for Grandma to feed her when I really need some extra sleep, or have to be out somewhere.

On a totally separate note, I think I have a very sleepy family here. This morning, my alarm went off at its usual shrill note, and for the first time, I actually didn't react to it immediately like I normally would, being the light sleeper that I am. Instead, I took a long while to search for the switch to kill it, and when I rolled over to look at the rest of the bed's inhabitants, I found everyone else fast asleep despite the noise.

Partially back on direct feeding...

It's been 2 days of feeding Laurie expressed milk from the bottle while my nipples heal over. Just a couple of hours ago, I tried nursing her directly from the less sore side again, and it was sheer joy to see her suckle. She seems to enjoy feeding from my breasts instead of the bottle (and I enjoy it just as much watching her suckle), so it was really upsetting for me not to be able to for 2 days. Worries of nipple confusion have been allayed, though my sis told me babies just somehow solve the issue for themselves. Even the lactation nurse I saw at the hospital yesterday told me to express and bottle feed for the moment.

I've got an appointment to finally meet the LC at the hospital on Monday. Hopefully we can solve the problem of sore nipples. The paed and lactation nurse both were of the opinion that it could be that Laurie's mouth was tiny in relation to my nipple size. Perhaps the problem would "solve" itself as she gets older. Meanwhile though, I've been encouraged by a friend to feed direct for a few minutes a day until the nipples toughen. In the meantime, I'm gonna still express for most of the day, and try to feed her directly once or twice in the evenings just to keep the rhythm. I'm praying it will all get better soon. I'm sure it will.

So Useless...I'm in Tears

I didn't mean to release Laurie from her latch earlier, but it was just so painful, I burst into tears!

Breastfeeding is turning out to be a real challenge, not for the lack of milk production, but for the pain that comes with it. I feel so useless - I could give birth to her without an epidural, but I can't even breastfeed her! The pain was so excrutiating earlier when she gave her initial clamp that my reaction was just to pull away. That caused Laurie to burst into tears herself, naturally. She was both hungry and upset, I'm sure. She must've been wondering why Mummy pulled away so suddenly. Kee Min took over and tried to pacify her by rocking her back and forth. My poor hungry baby, screaming away!

It was a long wait before I could get any milk to her. I really couldn't let her feed from my breasts because the nipples really hurt, and waiting for the steriliser to complete its run before I could use the pump and the bottles was agonising. Her wails were so heart wrenching, I couldn't stop crying. Oh the guilt! By the time I was done pumping and ready with milk in a bottle for her, she had cried herself to sleep and wouldn't wake to be fed. Terrible me.

I'm certain I've been doing everything right. Her latch has been good and correct according to all the instructions I'd received from the lactation consultant while at the hospital, and from all the sites I've been reading. Even my sister said her latch was correct when I she came over the weekend and saw me nursing Laurie. Yet it hurts so badly. And my heart hurts so badly now too. What do I do? I'm watching my little princess sleep so soundly, but on an empty tummy, all because Mummy couldn't take the pain...

Laurie settled into this position while feeding this morning. Isn't she just an angel? I'm so in love with her! She'll be a week old tmw, and she's been feeding well and putting on weight steadily since discharge. She sleeps well at night too, so we've been getting good rest as far as standards for new parents go. No complaints. Giddy with love and joy.

It's Been 5 Days

It's been tiring but wonderful.

She's such a darling, I could stare at her for hours! Her feeds are finally getting longer, with her taking in more each time and consequently the breaks between feeds are also lengthening. I reckon it's got to do with that I'm finally producing milk rather than just colostrum, so she's probably getting more full with each feed. That also means I'm getting more sleep in between! Thank God for that! KM and I are certainly beginning to understand the term "sleep deprivation".

Sleep issues aside, confinement food is already driving me nuts - I don't know how I'm gonna be able to take a whole month of seriously heaty food. My nose bleeds are not going away thanks to all this extremely... what's the English word for it? Potent food? But I suppose after 9 months of great discomfort, what's one more month? :P

We Became Parents Yesterday!

My water bag burst at 6.30am yesterday. I had never seen KM bolt out of bed so quickly before! After pottering around for a bit - both of us managed to have breakfast and a quick shower first - we left for the hospital at 7.30am and were in the delivery suite by 8am. And 4 hours later, we became new parents! So far, it's been an awesome, albeit tiring first day, and she is certainly the cutest little thing to come our way.

My aunt asked me to describe the experience in one word last evening, but I couldn't think of one. No words could've described it for me, really. But almost 24hrs later, I'd say the best word would be "intense". I didn't think I could do it without epidural or any other form of pain relief except bruising KM's hands as I held on to them so tightly each time the contractions came, but I did! Poor KM's hands now have battle scars to prove it too! I have to cut my nails before we go to the hospital the next time. Next time? Yes. Not so soon, but I do think there will be a next time.

Praise God for a quick labour and our little miracle. And thank you all, for your constant prayers and blessings.

On the Throne in the Delivery Suite

So this is me blogging from my phone (no internet connection here in the Delivery Suite), and this is it!

Hot, Bothered and Very Restless

No sign of baby yet. She's enjoying the food and lodging too much. I, on the other hand, am beginning to feel increasingly restless, hot, bothered, HIGHLY irritable and all round impatient. The next person to call me up and ask whether baby has arrived yet will get yelled at by me. Which is why I am not picking up the phone when it rings. While I would like her to be a Dec baby, the wait is starting to get to me cos she's getting too heavy for me. :P And these Braxton Hicks contractions are getting me really tired. Not to mention the backaches ('cos she's getting too heavy!)

Meanwhile, I'm trying to distract myself with baking. Just baked another lot of cupcakes that's supposed to be coffee flavoured, but KM says the coffee flavour hasn't come through. Smells like coffee though. *shrug*

Has it started? Clueless

I have been up since 2.30am. It's now 4.45am. I can't seem to fall asleep cos of this nagging lower back ache and slightly sharp pains that come and go. "Slightly" cos I'm not sure if they really hurt or not (ooh... I'm feeling it again), and I have a relatively high threshold for pain, so while these pains may be sharp, they don't make me scream or anything.

So now I'm up, sitting in my bed blogging. Just a while ago, I was IM'g with a friend, who seems rather certain I'm in the first stages of labour (she was up with her baby). Tomorrow marks 38 weeks exactly, so no, I'm not exactly early I suppose, if this really is the start of labour. I'm just wondering how to react now. Do I start packing my bag? It's partially packed now. But most everything else is still not in order.

I'm trying to time these waves of discomfort. So far, they seem to be 10 mins apart. It could well be a false alarm. But who knows? Thing is, KM is supposed to be up in 30 mins time to get ready to go to Malaysia - which we already had a disagreement on yesterday. I've already woken him up once to tell him I could be in early stages of labour, and his response was, "No kidding?" before rolling back to sleep. Duh. Ah... another one of those funny pressure feelings again... I think he shouldn't go, even if it takes another 2 weeks for baby to come. Goodness knows what men think is priority anyway.

Two and a Half More Weeks To Go

Baby's engaged, according to our gynae, but she seems very snug in me still, enjoying the food and lodging... no sign of her wanting to come out yet. This despite contractions being detected by the whatchamacallit machine. I didn't feel any of the contractions though. Maybe cos it's not too painful yet? Or perhaps 'cos I've got a high threshold for pain? In any case, it's 2 and a half weeks away to her estimated due date. As long as she doesn't go past 8 Dec, I'll be glad. Meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy my leave, so perhaps I should just ignore all office emails which have certainly been a source of real irritation.

Water Birth, New-Age, Airy-Fairy... Err... Hmmm...

We discussed birth options with our gynae at our last visit, and she suggested we get a doula (a birthing assistant) if we wanted to go for a water birth. And so... we made an appointment with the person she suggested, and it doesn't seem like the doula and I are gunning for the same thing.

When we decided we would go for water birth, it was really because we wanted to use water birthing facilities as a manner of pain relief, rather than to go through this whole new-agey birth experience. The doula, however, told us that if we wanted to work with her, we would need to sign up for hypnobirthing classes. Now, before anyone gets the idea that hypnosis at birth is linked to hypnotists making people bark like dogs on a stage, let me just be absolutely fair to what this technique is about - you don't get hypnotised out of the pain. Really. It's just about deep relaxation techniques so that you can "enjoy the entire birthing experience". Which truly, is a fair thing to gun for and work towards. If that is what you want. I just want to go through a natural childbirth with no epidural.

All this talk about painful childbirth seems over-rated. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm anxious or afraid 'cos it's "very painful!" Is it now? My mum never had epidurals; neither did my cousin and some friends. Apparently, the concept of horrendous pain during childbirth is a cultural one. Especially in the west. Many Asian cultures simply accept that childbirth comes with pain, and so deal with it. And I'm beginning to think hypnobirthing is cashing on this very simple concept of "dealing with it". A google on "hypnobirthing" yields nothing but a long list of companies offering courses to teach people something that's just ...cultural.

I still want to go for a water birth. Just for pain relief. But hypnobirthing? Nah...


The only real issue I have with this entire hypnobirthing technique is this - I think

Nutella Cupcakes!

KM had a choice between Carrot Cupcakes or Nutella Cupcakes last night and he picked Nutella. :) Guess Nutella sounds better than Carrot anytime, huh?

I decided to try it myself (risking all!) and had half a cupcake, and guess what? My tummy held out! Nutella doesn't make me sick! Whoopee!! *grin*

Here're some of the cakes before they went into the oven.

And the cakes cooling on the rack.

5 more weeks!

Baby's growing well and certainly getting stronger! Her kicks aren't quite so kind anymore and they can REALLY HURT! Pain aside, I'm glad she's kicking as she has been though. Always good to know she's active and I do hope she stays that way.

I've put on all of .. *drum roll* ... 6kg!!! Quite an achievement I dare say. I reckon baby should be making up some 1/3 of that so far, perhaps a little more. Gynae said weight gain was coming along well, so no worries there! She also said that baby's cooperating and her head's already started to move downwards (her head's sorta on the bottom right hand side of my tummy now). Everything's going well, and we're well on track towards 8 Dec. :D

Meanwhile, I'm thinking lots about chocs (I miss 'em) and KM bought me a pack of Marks and Spencer Milk Chocolate Digestive biscuits, though he thinks I really shouldn't eat any since I always regret it later. I figure though, perhaps I could try some close to bed time, so even if it makes me sick, at least it's bed time... y'think? :P

Smells like the Holiday Season is here

It's November! And things smell different. The air feels cooler and lighter already with more rains coming to us. Everyone seems more relaxed, despite year-end rushes to complete work. The holiday mood is certainly in the air. After Deepavali next Thursday, we'll all be counting down to Little Lauren's arrival and Christmas!

Thoughts of cupcakes and presents, holly and lights fill my mind now... and baby booties. *grin*