Apple Pulp

I have in my hands apple pulp. That's right. Pulp. Dead mush. My macbook is fit for the apple bin.

ARGH!

I have no idea what I did, except try to run a programme to convert jpeg files into vector images, and then poof! I got apple pulp in return. Dammit.

KM says I should stop messing with my computer. But I didn't! Honestly *did not*. Something went wrong with it, and I blame it on... something. It wasn't me. Whatever it was. Not me. Argh.

Pulp. Pulp. Pulp.

Fed up.

It's not supposed to happen to Apples. But then, KM says I trust technology too much.

*groan*

Pulp.

I can't get over it.

I shall sit in a corner now and mew.

*meow*

Doodle diner

LV has a paper placemat where she sits at the dining table. We got her these Crayola baby crayon holders and have been encouraging her to doodle just for the fun of it. Gives her something to do when we're doing work at the table. She hasn't quite figured out the crayons yet (except for when she recently bit the tip of the blue one off), but she's managed to make a couple of dots already. Meanwhile, the fancy doodles are all Daddy's. Heh.

Rock on, Kitty!

Suzanna and I went to Swee Lee this afternoon and lookie what we found! A Fender Hello Kitty electric guitar going for $399. Makes me wanna pick up my guitar and play it again just so it could remotely justify me getting this guitar. But for the sake of pretty nails... Hahaha...

How much do you give up for motherhood?

I have been thinking. For a long time now.

How much does one give up for motherhood?

Sleep? - you manage
Time? - every bit of free time is for your child, no regrets there
Hobbies? - baby becomes your hobby
Energy? - as with sleep, you manage
Youth? - everyone ages, so deal with it
Career? - this is where I cannot decide

And especially if you are mother to a daughter, what kind of example do present her with in your choices in life?

Lauren, my linguistic experiment

I've been signing to Lauren since she was 6 months old, though not very consistently. I try my best to make signing natural, speaking and signing at the same time. But sometimes, I forget to sign as I speak. Nevertheless, inconsistent as my signing may be, Lauren's finally picked up some of the vocabulary. Today, she signed "milk"! Repeatedly too, with purposeful intention! YAY! Baby can sign!!!

Argh

I've been wanting to blog for a long time.

Nothing has been forthcoming.

Not because there hasn't been anything to write about.

Perhaps it is precisely that.

There have been too many things happening, till I've decided I can't keep up with my own thoughts, the most current being that my online presence will out live me. Then what of passwords? Can my online presence be removed once I'm gone? Who will do it for me? Will I want it removed? Why am I even thinking this? I know why I'm thinking this. Is there a point thinking this?

Bah humbug.

The artist in me

As part of teacher's day celebrations today, we were all given a small piece of canvas to work on. This was what I came up with.

I call it "Celebration".

This, together with the rest of the works done by the other teachers, will be put up in the school. I look forward to it being displayed.

Happy Teacher's Day!

It's the last day of term today and it ended on a high with our first Teacher's Day celebration at SOTA.

I love Teacher's Day. If there's any day in the year I am reminded why I chose to enter this service, it's Teacher's Day. The best bit about it? The cards and notes my students give me.


And the hugs. It's nice to be appreciated.

Thank you.

Fireworks!

We decided to splurge this weekend on a room with a view at the Ritz Carlton. It was the Fireworks Festival with the French team kicking it off last night, and we thought that Lauren was old enough to enjoy the visual delight of exploding, multicoloured flares, and did she! The show started rather late at about 2130h, and we were beginning to get rather impatient especially because Lauren was beginning to get sleepy and fussy. We tried everything to keep her awake, including putting her into a warm bath, which certainly worked - baby's afraid of the bathtub, so we discovered! Methinks she might not actually enjoy swimming much, but that shall be another experiment for another day. Once the fireworks started, I don't think I saw Lauren blink once for the 30 minutes it lasted. Almost immediately after though, she fell into a deep sleep.

So, will we do this again? Perhaps. The Ritz is a nice place and the view is undeniably pretty. The beds, however, are stone hard. It could well be that I have been spoilt by my tempur bed at home, but then again, I've been to other less glitzy hotels which beds are just like baby bear's - soft, fluffy and absolutely inviting. I spent most of the night trying to fall asleep, while KM got fed up with the flickering lights of the city buildings and wondered why we'd paid so much to get our sleep disrupted. Well. Maybe the Mandarin Oriental next year instead? No lack of hotels with a view of the Marina here.

Baby loves curry!

Thought Lauren was old enough to try some spicy food and gave her a bit of curry from the prata place at Thomson Road. She loved it!

Case of the missing double eyelids - SOLVED!

My mum said that before my double eyelids became permanent, a show of them when I was a baby meant I was coming down with fever. What an indicator! Looks like Lauren's got that from me!

She falls asleep easily

Sometimes, I'm amazed at how easily Lauren falls asleep. This morning, she got up at 6am. I was very reluctant to entertain her and put her in her crib and went back to sleep. She fussed for a bit but I was honestly too tired to pay her any attention. The next I checked, she'd fallen asleep on her own. If only it was ALWAYS this easy.

Red, rashy baby!

Lauren has Roseola. Explains her fever and rash which surfaced after her fever broke. We took her to Children's A&E anyway to be sure, and the doc said she was a classic textbook case with swollen lymph nodes at the back of her neck and a very happy, rashy baby! At least it's not serious. Thank God! And strangely, her double eyelids have disappeared. Weird.

Becoming sentient

Today, Lauren truly understood the term "no" and what it meant to be disciplined.

She tried to bite the table while she was sitting on her high chair during dinner. For the umpteenth time, KM said to her firmly, "No." This time, however, there was a reaction. She looked at KM for a while, then her lips started to curl downwards and suddenly, "Waaaaaaahhh!!" She finally understood that she was getting scolded and it wasn't any fun!

Poor baby. And poor daddy. He felt so bad, but decided he had to be firm and gave her a hug while he said to her, "Daddy's sorry you got scared and upset, but a 'no' is a 'no'. You don't have to be scared when someone says 'no', but if you don't agree then just give your reason. No need to cry." Hurray Daddy!

Red, hot baby

Lauren's been running a fever since early Tuesday morning. The highest it got to was 39ºC yesterday morning. She's been taking her paracetamol every 6 hours, but the fever seems to return before the 6 hours are up. When the fever gets a little too high, she gets a little listless and loses her appetite. Breaks my heart to see her like that. But as the doc said, babies build resistance by fighting viruses, so she'll have to work this one out. Poor little baby. We're just monitoring her temperature every few hours now.

On an aside, she developed double eyelids these past 2 days - first on her left eye yesterday, and this morning, her right!

Random blogging thought

Two of my school buddies are away this week - one's doing his In-Camp Training; the other's gone to Harvard with a school team. Another one's just returned from a conference in Italy today, but she's asking for a bribe of cookies and cupcakes before she'll do a write-up for some school-related thingamajig. Perhaps I'm better off a loner this week.

Hahaha...

;)

Baby's got a bento!

This bento business just gets better. *grin*

I found me a mini traditional bento box (kitty, no less) for LV and filled it up with puréed sweet potato and carrots, a piece of peach and some biscuits. It's a really tiny box - I've got my hand there for scale - but as with bento practices, a tightly packed box holds a pretty decent meal.

Every time story time

Lauren loves books and story time, and I love it when KM manages to come home early enough to have dinner with us and read her a story at the table. Anytime's a good time for a story. Especially when it's read by daddy.

More bento attempts!

Tried making siew mai last night. Not quite the right skin for it - turned out to be flowering wontons instead. Thought it still looked pretty good as far as packed lunches go though. *grin* So well. That's today's lunch. Flowering wontons and vegetable gratin. The taste test will be at 1245h.

It's Bento Time!

This is the next thing I'm into. Bentos. Started with a search for Kitty cookie cutters, then I fell to the temptation of Kitty sushi rice moulds. Before I knew it, I was on the hunt for Kitty Bento Boxes!

Truth be told though, I've always liked the idea of packed lunches. I spent most of my teenage years collecting lunchboxes of all sizes. Big ones, small ones. Cute ones, practical ones. Fancy ones, simple ones. Thermal ones, and well... ordinary types. So it's all really just coming together - the baking, the cooking; being a wife, being a mum.

I've now got me a meal planning notebook where I plan my meals ahead of time, and with the help of Jimelyn in the mornings, I've managed to pack KM and myself bento lunches for 2 days now. Nothing fancy. But very satisfying indeed to know that I'm able to put together something reasonably healthy and in good proportions too for KM to take to work.

The next phase of baking

Kitty faces! I couldn't resist buying a set of Hello Kitty cookie cutters last week. In fact, I'm on an ebay prowl now for more (better) kitty (and other assorted) cookie cutters. As long as they're cute, they've got my attention. But I digress.

Needing therefore, to justify my purchase, I'm now on a quest to bake and decorate cute cookies. It's just that our weather's just so humid, it's really difficult to work with cut-out cookie dough. Nevermind decorating them. Just getting the dough rolled out and cut is so time consuming! Exactly the reason why I used only to bake drop cookies. But persevere, I shall (cos the dough's made already anyway, and who could resist Kitty shaped cookies?) Maybe the more I bake, the faster I'll get. In the meantime, Meowrr!

Potty time!

We've started potty training Lauren. Rather accidentally, actually. She's started on solids already, and poo-ing in her diapers is no longer easy for her - she finds it uncomfortable and has been squirming in her pants every time she needs to poo, so we decided to put her on the bowl, and sitting to poo helps. She looks visibly more comfortable pooping and peeing in the toilet, and that's always good for all. Let's see how well this goes. The sooner she goes on the potty regularly, the lower my diaper bills. I have an agenda. *grin*

Vanilla cupcakes for Sunday School

Recipes make all the difference, and as expected, the first recipe I tried from the book I got in Sydney did not disappoint. This was the Crabapple Bakery Vanilla Cupcakes. I was sure to use only New Zealand butter as the book suggested, full cream milk, and all ingredients at room temperature. They rose very nicely, the nicest I've ever had from my oven, as in, every cake rose evenly and nicely with a slight dome, almost flat. Purrrrrrrrrfect! Of course, it should be noted that I also filled the cups very evenly, each weighing 55g exactly. I didn't get to try any though 'cos these were baked for the Sunday School kids to decorate for Father's Day today, and all 24 were snapped up even though there were only 10 kids in class. Some decorated 2 cakes - one for daddy, one for grandpa; others ate one and decorated the other. Judging from the fact that none took a bite and went, "Ewwww!!" the cakes must've tasted pretty decent. All in all, I think this recipe deserves an A*!

She grows so quickly

The photo to the left was taken when she was about 1½ months old. I had to prop her up to take the shot, supporting her neck carefully. At that time, I wondered when she would be able to sit up on her own and not need me to hold her all the time. I was lacking sleep and feeling so tired and defeated. It seemed almost painful (physically) to be a mum that I even wondered if I had made the right decision to become one.

Today, she sat on my lap as she has done countless times to date, and we took a few shots using the Photo Booth application on the Mac, something we've been doing quite regularly, it's almost a ritual. So soon, and she's 6½ months old already. She's able to hold her head up effortlessly, grab one foot with one hand, and stuff the other in her mouth while still looking glamourous (how does she do it? Hahaha.) In 6 short months, she's grown so much, I'm already looking at past photos and feeling the twang of nostalgia, praying that time will stand still or at least slow down a bit more.

Tonight, she sleeps on her own in her hammock. Still in our room, but she's learning how to fall asleep independently. Soon she won't even need me to get around, much less prop her up on my lap to take photo booth shots. She grows too quickly.

*sigh*

Afternoon tea

Wouldn't it be nice? Yes, I'm still dreaming and the dream's just got a bit more fancy. I'm now scouring the web in search of a nice dessert/teacake stand. You know, those cute little plates on a 3-tiered stand for presenting cakes and sandwiches at teatime. Of course I don't need one. I don't even have space for one. In fact, I so don't have space that the cupcake stands I bought are in my mum's place. But wouldn't it be nice anyway, to have one? KM says I need a bigger kitchen. I now think I do too. I never thought I did, and honestly didn't think I'd be baking this much when we got our home renovated. Just didn't seem like I had the time to back then and I thought that that would pretty much be life. Then I figured out the convection function in the microwave oven my sister gave me, and when baby came along, instead of having less time, I found the need to become more domestic. The need? Yeah, the need. The need to create a magical childhood for my little princess where teatime on the weekend is filled with cakes and sandwiches and hot chocolate and all those sorts of treats that are made by mummy. Not that my mum baked. She didn't. But we did do stuff together, like cross-stitching and simple crafts, doodling and writing, simple cooking. And there was always teatime. Mum didn't bake, but she would buy (mostly) chinese teacakes and crackers, and we'd have them with Milo, or milk. There was always teatime. Everyday.

Little Vicky won't get to have tea with me everyday because I'm a full-time working mum. But there ought to be time for weekend tea, and when she's old enough to have some, I will bake teacakes for her, and we'll eat them off pretty cake stands. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Dreaming about baking cupcakes

I bought this book in Sydney after browsing through quite a few other cupcake books in the bookshops there. The recipes look rather good and I must say I have a good feeling about the cakes that could come out of it. I am now itching to bake. But the lazy, in-denial-that-my-holiday-is-over bug is still very much alive in my bones, and I can't bring myself to do much more than flip through the books we bought back (goodness knows why we buy books in Australia when they're so darn expensive there), surf and blog (this is the 3rd blog today already). When I eventually do get down to trying the recipes, I might post them here. In the meantime, I dream of ingredients and a tea cake stand which I don't need, but what the hey - it's fun to dream.

1½ weeks left

Time passes way too quickly when you're trying to rest. What is ironic in all of this, is that in order to get good rest, you try to finish up as much work as possible before the designated rest time, working late or over time in order to achieve that end, such that you end up getting very tired and the designated rest time ends up being insufficient; or you just simply can't finish the work before the designated rest time and you spend a good part of your rest time thinking about the work that's waiting to be done, and you end up not actually getting enough rest. Good rest means having enough time to sit until you rot. Then you will truly feel ready for work when it's time to get back to it. But there really is never enough time for such, is there?

For the reason that there isn't enough time to just space out and rot, the mind becomes perpetually wired up and unable to truly find the space to relax, which at least for me, results in a state of absolute restlessness. This restlessness in me leads to the inability to settle down to work properly, constantly being interrupted by the sense that personal pursuits, more commonly known as hobbies, must be fulfilled. I am certain that if I had the time to rot, I would not have any hobbies at all.

Therefore, since I have not had enough time in my mind to rot, I am now plagued with the absolute desire to find the perfect cupcake recipe that will rise to perfection and not pull away from the cupcake liners. That must then be followed by the search for the equally perfect cupcake frosting that is neither too sweet nor too soft so that it will hold its shape and taste without refrigeration. This in turn fuels the dream to be able to open a cupcake bakery like the ones I saw in Australia, which will likely remain a dream because I reckon baking cupcakes will cease to fulfill the category of "hobby" should it become a job. Nevertheless, I applaud and cheer for my dear friend and ex-colleague who actually quit teaching to become a pastry chef. Truly wow-worthy.

Then, there's also some scrapbooking which I feel must absolutely be done, because knowing me, the longer the photos stay in the computer, the less likely they will be printed and put in an album, and before long, the excitement to want to scrap those memories will die out. So, yes. I also need to scrap. I need to scrap Lauren's past 6 months; I need to scrap our Sydney holiday; I need to make nice layouts to place in my cubicle in the office; I need to fill the empty wall in our hall with pictures of us. I need, I need, I NEED! to have more time.

I have 1½ weeks left. I need to get enough energy and enthusiasm gathered to start thinking about and doing work.

Mourning the end of our family holiday

If only we could have 2 full weeks away together, but KM's work wouldn't allow it. *sigh*

We got back late last night, and already, KM's worked beckoned. Barely 10 minutes home and he had to rush out to meet a business partner, as usual, "Just to drop something off. Won't take more than an hour." Yeah rite. If I had a $1 for every time I heard that, I'd have a pretty decent piggy bank collection for Lauren already. That's a thought. I think perhaps I should charge him a dollar each time he tells me that and doesn't fulfill it. I'll soon earn enough pocket money for Lauren's first year in school.

So here I am, totally mourning the end of our family holiday. Actually, KM's not the only one with work beckoning, except his doesn't beckon passively with a red pen from a stack of papers on the dining table. Admittedly, phone calls are a lot more difficult to ignore. Unless you're like me. I just let the phone ring until the caller on the other end kills the call him/herself. I hate phone calls. It's true. Not that I never pick up calls or make them or have long chats with friends. I do. Just not often. Most times the instinct is to ignore the phone. The numerous phone calls (and phones - he has 3 mobiles and counting!) he gets therefore really upset me. I wanted to stomp on his mobile when it started beeping the moment we got off the plane last night. It truly signalled the end of our holiday. Not that it didn't beep and ring while we were in Sydney. It did. And there were idiotic, needy clients that kept him on the phone for some good 15 to 20 minutes while we were on holiday, but at least he couldn't drive out to attend to them. Barely home last night and he was out again! One day, I shall throw his phones into the rubbish chute. In the meantime, I shall try to enjoy the rain that I have returned to. At least it's not sweltering hot.

Cupcake Holiday!

The highlight of my holiday has to be the cupcakes I'm getting to try at specialised bakeries. I had googled them out before we came, and found that they turned out to be pretty near where we stay. We actually stumbled upon the first one on Monday.

Here's the first cupcake I tried from The Cupcake Bakery. Chilli Chocolate with Chocolate Buttercream frosting. Just a hint of chilli. Not too bad. Not too sweet either. AUD$3.50 a piece at this bakery.


Kee Min decided he would have the Vanilla with Vanilla Buttercream. Nice too. And again,while the icing was sugary, the overall taste was not too sweet. We had our cakes with hot chocolate, and it was a rather nice way to end a relative cold day.



Then we found Cupcakes on Pitt a block from our hotel on Tuesday. Their cupcakes are smaller. Mini cupcakes at AUD$2.00 a piece. Cupcakes on Pitt apparently sells award winning cupcakes, and indeed, they taste award winning!

This one's the Vanilla cupcake from Pitt. The texture's a lot fluffier and lighter. Not too sweet, very satisfying. The icing's a lot more "buttery", and actually not sweet at all.


This was my order. The Tiramisu. It was the icing that held the tiramisu flavour though. The cake was very chocolatey, very light, very yummy! Special mention must also be made of the hot chocolate. Much better than the one at Cupcake Bakery.


And today, I had the Honeycomb! KM stuck with his old, faithful Vanilla, but I thought I should try as many flavours as possible. Again, the honey flavour came from the icing. The cake was basically a chocolate cupcake, though I thought there was a little hint of honey taste in it. I wish they sold recipes too.

Well, tomorrow's our last day in Sydney. Maybe I'll buy a box of 12 tomorrow and try out the remaining flavours. Except Sticky Date and Blackforest. The thought's icky.

Walking Holiday in Sydney

It's been rather wet here in Sydney. In fact, the only day of sunshine was the Saturday we arrived, but we were too knackered then to do much, having hardly slept on the plane. Regardless, we've still been going on long walks through the city and parks in our raincoats with Lauren tucked in snugly beneath daddy's jacket in her Björn. She looks so cute in there, we've had many people stop to talk to her; a group of seniors took a photo with her last night! So with our little precious with us, we continue our trek through Sydney's Botanic Gardens, en route to Woolloomooloo for (apparently) good hotdogs and pies. Maybe we'll pick up some culture at the art gallery on our way.

Living a dream

The sheep had dinner today. It's been 2 years since I left the Higher Education Division (HED) at MOE, and today we met up for a farewell dinner to send one of us off to Paris. She's off to Cordon Bleu in a week's time to study to become a pastry chef. Isn't that just exciting? She actually quit the service and will soon be on a journey I could only dream of. Not that I dream of becoming a pastry chef, but it did get me thinking on my way home. Do I have a dream? And would I dare to drop all and chase that dream? The youngest of us all remarked at dinner that it would be nice to be able to live such a life, doing as one desired (another of us had also quit the service and was living life, travelling the world). She was told she could do so, as long as she remained single. Otherwise, convince her husband-to-be to travel too and hold off having children for a while. But were these the absolute conditions for living a dream? Perhaps, I'm already living my dream. Or maybe, I'm just not curious enough to have a dream. I'm not sure. It might not even matter, although, I will live this life only once. What do I want out of it?

Morning baby

Lauren's a morning baby. It's 5am now, and she's up, rolling around and talking to herself, smiling at me. She was up since 4.30am, and shows no signs of wanting to go back to sleep. Come to think of it, she was probably up since 4am, but I ignored her and tried to sleep through her gurgling and kicks. I gave up soon enough though, and decided perhaps it would do us both better if I just turned on the lights and surfed a bit while she (hopefully) talks herself back to sleep. The last time this happened, she rolled around until dawn. Thank goodness it's the school hols now, otherwise I'd be in a foul mood.

It's the last day of term! Yippee!

Finally, we get to rest. Sorta. Of course there's work to be done still. Whoever said holidays were for resting? I reckon it's just meant for us to catch up on admin work. Teachers have a pretty bad deal actually. We get no leave days and get called back to work during the school holidays. The only way to not get called back is to go away, i.e. leave the country. But they really don't pay us enough for us to be able to do that for 4 weeks. Nevertheless, the holidays are upon us, and I do get to sleep in. We're also off on a family holiday end of next week - can't wait!

Meanwhile, here's a recent shot of my little princess. There was a campfire at school yesterday so she spent the day at work with me. My colleague took this shot of her. Check out the drool. Heh heh heh. The paed says it's more an indication of her being ready for solids and wanting to eat than it is her starting to teeth though. So since the doc's given the green light, I started her on a wee bit of rice cereal on Wednesday. Hoping to get her ready to eat mush by the time we leave for our family holiday. I'm actually rather having fun feeding her from a spoon. Have been getting ready for this next phase of her life over the past couple of weeks, buying her spoons, bowls, a booster seat... Ah... so broke, but so happy. :)

It has finally come.

The request for longer skirts, that is.

I find it terribly funny. Perhaps I shouldn't. But I've been getting funny responses from friends I've told. "Plunging necklines from tomorrow then?" suggested one. I told him that was worth considering, since I now have boobs thanks to breastfeeding. Another said, "That coming from a place where people prance around in tights?" Hahahaha... I never quite thought of it that way. And yet another responded with, "the things they bother with..." Ah well.

My response? I'm flattered. I must have terribly nice legs to draw such attention. And skin thicker than an elephant's hide. Oh! Such heightened self-awareness too! And skin thicker than an elephant's hide. *snigger* Truly though, I don't mind being told to wear longer skirts. At least this skirt's lasted 2 months at work. Dad sums it up best. "Too bad you've chosen a profession where you can't flaunt your legs." We had a good laugh and agreed that skirt's just got to be "reassigned". I accede. They'll just have to move into my weekend-wear-wardrobe now. Dad's great. For someone who retired from the same profession, he doesn't hold any of those anal, archaic norms many still cling on to. No I-told-you-sos.

Well then, another excuse to go shopping!

Term 2 Week 8

That's tomorrow. The start of it anyway.

Goodness. I have been back at work for 2 months already. Time's going a bit faster that I thought it would. Would like it to. Would not like it to. Depending.

When you're in school, time inevitably rushes by. It's this whole scheduled time thingy we have called a time-table. You just end up moving quickly 'cos the days are predictable, the weeks are predictable. Wake up at 6; leave work at 6. Odd week; even week. Class now; break later. Tests today; mark this week. And so on and so forth. I'm glad for it, 'cos work doesn't seem torturous (like it did once upon a recent office time), and I'm truly loving it. The way time whizzes by also means soon the school holidays will descend upon us! Yippee! I think yippee anyway. Cos in the same manner, that'll whiz by too, and sadly, we've already got meetings lined up during that time. So much for wanting to catch up on my scrapbooking then.

Then there are times it moves too quickly. Lauren was 5 months old last Sunday and got baptised. Pretty baby. Lovely sweetheart. Growing too quickly. She's getting very fun to be with, 'cos she's starting to respond to our voices, toys, books, sound (she likes the jingling of our house keys). It's all very nice, and I love every moment of it. Every moment that lasts just that second. And every moment that's spent in school is a moment lost to me. I felt so sad when I wasn't the first to see her make her first flip from back to front at 4 months. Sometimes, I don't want to sleep, just so I can watch her every move for as long as possible. But that's not possible. She'll soon be 1 and I wouldn't have known where the time went.

*sigh*

Term 2 week 8.

5 months and 1 week.

Tick tock tick tock...

Shoe Talk

There's no one to talk with -
I'll talk with my shoe.
He does have a tongue
And an inner soul, too.
He's awfully well polished,
So straightlaced and neat
(But he talks about nothing
But feet - feet - feet).

- Shel Silverstein

HAHAHA...

Where is all my time going?

So here I am, finally back at work. Week 2. So far so ok, but I'm beginning to wonder where all my time is going. Between being at work, doing work (which continues well beyond my leaving school) and taking care of Lauren once I'm with her, there doesn't seem to be much time for anything else. Of course I could let the help continue to mind her even when I'm home so that I can do my work more quickly and then sleep earlier - it's a real skill nursing her while she lies propped up on a pillow on my lap, and typing in bed on my laptop - but as it is, I don't see her for a good 10 hours once I'm up and out of the house by 6.45am, so nope, I'll take care of Lauren myself once I'm home, even if it kills me. And I think it just might. But then I'm SUPERMOM! Or greatly dellusional. Either way, women just cope somehow. At least I'm hoping that we just cope somehow. Otherwise, I shall soon go insane.

Total Defence Award - for whom?

The nominations for the Total Defence Award 2008 is open. I hear the call on Power 98.0FM rather frequently to nominate employers who have "enable[d]...NSmen employees to fulfill their NS obligations with ease" because of their "strong support and commitment." Each time the call comes on, my toes laugh. Sarcastically. And then my mind automatically replaces the words "NSmen" and "NS" with "breastfeeding" and "parenting". I return to work next week, then everything goes into full-swing the week after the school holidays. Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to going back to school, to returning to the classroom. I love teaching. But there are things beyond the classroom that I'm concerned with, I worry about and am miffed at.

As has been rightfully pointed out to me by a health care professional, schools, for having the highest number of female employees next to hospitals, show the least understanding towards (breastfeeding) mothers' needs. And here is where I pause to let my toes guffaw. You would not believe the things that have been said to me and by whom in the name of "understanding mothers' needs". The irritation that pulsates through my nerves when I recall statements that have been passed with regard to pregnancy, mothers, work and the related, particularly when they come from women themselves. Someone I know recounted a lunch time conversation with a colleague who said that she was bored after her first week in confinement following the arrival of her baby. A quick retort came in response to that. "You must not have been a breastfeeding mum!" *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Bravo! There is no time to be bored, much less rest, when your baby needs to feed from you every other hour.

Which is precisely that. Your baby needs you. She needs your touch, your care, your time, your love. There are those who would then of course say, "In that case, be a stay at home mum. Don't work." But that's not today's reality. So quit making suggestions of the archaic form. Move on with the times. Get with it sistah!

So the government wants more babies. Singaporeans are becoming extinct. And money makes the world go round, or so they think. That's just how it is, isn't it? If they don't want you to do something, they take money away from you. If they want you to do something, they give money to you. But it doesn't work that way! As an acquaintance said to me, "Baby bonus? Can't even last you a year to meet baby's basic needs." I'll tell you what would be a far more practical and encouraging incentive - nursing/lactation facilities at the work place. Nothing fancy. Just a simple room with chairs and a steriliser. Is that too much to ask? A friend's wife is in the teaching service. She expresses her milk for her baby in the toilet. Let's move the school pantry into the toilet as well. I'd like to see if anyone would like to pour themselves a glass of milk or make themselves a cup of tea in the toilet. Her baby has to drink milk she prepared in the toilet! I'm almost in tears for my friend's baby just thinking about it.

Then, there are meetings that last past 6pm. Worse yet, called at 6pm. My friends share their frustration with me. "Don't they have kids they need to get back to, or pick up from school?" They either don't, or have their parenting obligations hived off to someone else on a regular or permanent basis. In preparation for my return to work, Little Lauren has been put on bottle feeds (of expressed breastmilk) from about 8am to 5pm daily. She has been reverse feeding for the last 2 weeks, which mean she drinks less in the day and waits for me to come home so that she can feed direct and feed more then. She doesn't fuss in the day, but essentially, my little 14 month old baby is teaching herself to go hungry until mummy comes home. So the later I get home, the longer she stays hungry. Breaks my heart to know that!

"Total Defence is about the different things that we can do everyday in every sector of our society to strengthen our resilience as a nation." Let's start with having a nation. Mothers are providing the basic resource to even have a nation. So let's try this again. Recognise the role played by employers to support your employees who are parents (let's not forget the dads here) to fulfil their parenting obligations with ease. Then nominate these for the Total Defence Award. They would be the ones worth recoginising.

Some of my Scrap Pages for Lauren

My favourite layout of Lauren and Daddy.
For KM's desk.

This one's a record of the hours before and after Lauren's arrival.

Quiet mornings

I have forgotten what it's like to be up and about in the early hours of the morning before the sun rises, moving around and getting things done in the quiet time that is mine and mine alone.

KM left for the airport very early this morning, and in keeping with my Back-to-School practice runs, I got up at about 5.20am to get started on my routine. Since we're not going to my parents' today, my domestic help's still sleeping, and I've truly got this time all to myself. I'm reminded of the time before I got married, getting up early, ready and out of the door for work by 6.30am before the rest of the house even started to stir. I miss that. There's just something very nice and calming about this time of the morning, and to think it was part of my everyday routine for a long while. Pity I shall not have much of these times left once I return to work. 5.30 mornings will no longer be a slow, quiet time for me anymore. I'll have to share it with someone else soon, and I rather resent that.

Back to School Dry Run

Perhaps it may seem like I'm unduly stressing myself out by conducting a dry run of my "back to school" schedule, which actually won't happen until 3 weeks' time, holiday week inclusive. Nevertheless, I'm glad we started on this, judging from yesterday's assessment - Lauren seems a likely candidate for reverse feeding, and that's not good!

I started recording her bottle feeds yesterday, and from 9am to 6pm, she drank only 305ml! That's barely enough and is already causing me a slight bit of panic. She doesn't scream anymore when given the bottle, and will cooperate with whoever's feeding her. However, she won't drink more than 70ml each feed. Getting 90ml into her is a real accomplishment. And all of this translates into a very hungry baby by the time I supposedly get home, which is about 6pm or thereabouts. Last night, she practically drank every hour through direct feeding from 6.30pm onwards, and woke up twice in the night to feed. There goes her (and my) 6-hour sleep stretch! Breaks my heart to think my little princess could be starving herself in the day just to wait for me to come back to feed her. Hopefully, we can reverse this trend by the end of 3 weeks.

Separately, she's starting to really kick and spin in bed in her sleep. I placed her pillow-side up on the bed this morning when I woke up and returned from my shower to find her at a 45˚ angle from where I left her.

Sleeping through the night

Lauren has been sleeping an average of 6 hours at night now for the past 3 nights. I continue to pray this is the start of her taking longer stretches of sleep and not just a one off "happy occurence" for me. Last night, I tried putting her in her hammock to sleep, thinking that if indeed she was beginning to sleep through the night, I might be able to get better sleep if she was in a different bed.

Alas, I was WRONGer than WRONG.

1. She didn't want to fall asleep in the hammock. Strange, 'cos she loves to sleep in her hammock in the day and would be willing to be rocked to slumber in it. KM reckoned she could be afraid of the dark and hence wanted to be cuddled to sleep instead. Whatever the reason, she fussed and fussed and... FUSSED.

2. She did finally fall into a deep sleep in our bed, and when I woke in the middle of the night, I decided to put her in her hammock to sleep through the rest of the night. This time however, I couldn't fall back to sleep. Every little turn she made in the hammock woke me up. Every tiny sound woke me up. I found myself staring at the hammock in the light from the street lamps. I finally gave up, carried her out and hugged her to sleep. Then, I could rest. *slap on the forehead*

Baking Projects

Just for the heck of it, I'm listing the stuff I've been obsessing about baking:

1. Oreo Cupcakes
I am now in search of a recipe... meanwhile, I've gone ahead and bought the cookies already. ;)

2. Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffins
I might give up on these soon though. Have been thinking about them so much that I just might've overdone the eating of it (I keep running to Coffee Bean to buy me the Double Choc Chip muffins there) and could well be close to being sick of them soon. :P

3. Tuna Buns
Following my successful attempt baking with yeast, I've now got it in me to bake some tuna filled sweet rolls. :D

Cinnamon Rolls!

Finally! My first attempt baking bread with yeast. Well, 2nd actually. I did a batch earlier but the recipe called for 20 mins and I popped it in the oven in good faith, went off to express milk for my princess, and when I got back to the oven, the bread had burned. :P I immediately made another batch, and this time I put it in for only 10 mins. Ta-dah!

Now I very "gian" to bake more bread. :D

A great sense of inertia

I have so many things I want to do swimming in my head.

I still have a blanket I want to knit for Lauren (which I have not yet managed to complete).

I want to find and bake the perfect double chocolate chip muffin.

I have the urge to bake cinnamon bread rolls.

There are ideas for scrapbooking pages forming in my head.

I'm beginning to obsess about making Oreo cupcakes.

But then, I feel so so so sleepy...

*yawn*

Prepping Us

Three more weeks before I return to work. Can't say I'm looking forward to it.

This morning, I got up at 6.15am in an attempt to get myself back into my work routine and also to prep Lauren for changes in our morning schedule. The plan is to express some milk in the morning, shower, change, and breastfeed her at least once before leaving for work. Hopefully, such a routine in the morning would give me time with her still and keep the milk flow up. Also have to start "disappearing" in the mornings when she wakes up so she gets used to seeing Daddy instead of me, so when she started stirring at about 7ish today, I just sat at the edge of the bed and watched her (also waiting to see how long it would take Daddy to wake up and attend to her). Poor darling started complaining to Daddy once he woke up. She wanted to have her milk and at the same time suckle to sleep some more, but Daddy was no use in that department, so she complained and complained... broke my heart to watch her get so upset. *sigh* If only I could just take her to work with me everyday.

At an absolute loss

Just as my maternity leave is about to end, Lauren suddenly won't take to the bottle. We've been letting her take expressed milk through the bottle occasionally since she was about 2 weeks old, and in the last month or so, at least once a week. But all of a sudden in the last couple of weeks, she's suddenly refused to drink from the bottle. She would scream and cry and in baby terms, probably yelling murder already, and absolutely refuse the bottle. What am I to do? How to return to work knowing she won't feed all day??

Hammock Heaven

She loves being rocked to sleep, and as much as I love carrying her around in the sarong all day, it does take a toll on my back (all day leh!!!). And since we're no supporter of babies crying it out (babies are traditionally carried around in sarongs or left to sleep in hammocks and I haven't yet seen or heard of generations of brats), we thought a hammock would be a good investment. This one cost us $500+, but she loves lying in it so much - look at her sleeping so soundly! Makes me wish I had a hammock too.

Do 2-year-olds understand?

My dad left Dylan and Megan at my place yesterday afternoon for a short while. I was left instructions as to where Megan's diapers were and to change them if needed. So this was the conversation I had with her.

Me: Are your diapers wet? Yes or No?
Meg: No.
Me: Do you need them changed?
Meg: No.
Me: Will you tell me if you need them changed?
Meg: No.

By now, I was wondering if she was just saying "No" for the sake of it.

Me: Do you understand what I'm saying??
Meg (lifting her pinafore and point to the bit of her diaper sticking out from under her bloomers): Chee? No wet.

OK. She got me. :P

Projectile Poop!

I've heard about babies deciding to pee while between diaper changes. I've even experienced it. But "Projectile Poop"?

I was giving Lauren her evening wipe ("tze-ek" in Teochew) - a towel bath, I think that's what you call it. All was going well and fine until the diaper change when all of a sudden, she shoots poop out of that tiny butt! It got onto the floor, the chair that was about 1.5m away and would've got on the wall if not for the chair. Thank goodness I was standing away from her butt, otherwise I would've been hit for sure. Gives new meaning to "Bombs Away!"

Time to Ourselves

We finally went on not one, but two dates over the weekend! Left Lauren with Grandma and Grandpa for a good many hours on Saturday and Sunday afternoon and caught us a musical (Beauty World - so so lah) and a movie (I Am Legend - oso so so lah). Reviews of our weekend entertainment aside, it was really nice to be able to be out on our own, walking through the malls and talking about stuff. Any stuff except baby stuff. It has been months since we've had time and opportunity to just bum around - I was very tired when carrying Lauren and walking long stretches in the last trimester was almost an impossibility.

It's nice to be going on dates again. Thank God for grandparents!

And Another Year Has Gone By...

Feels like I was still puking my guts out just yesterday, and today, Lauren's already 5 weeks old. Where did 2007 go?

I hate new years. Close friends know how much a New Year's Grinch I am, especially when the clock strikes 12 as the year comes to a close. I hate countdowns and am always in bed before midnight on 31 Dec. I usually just spend the last day of the year in deep thought, too moody to do anything else. This year though, or is it "last year" now, things seem different. I haven't suddenly started liking new years. Definitely not. But it certainly feels like I haven't quite caught up with time, or perhaps time has run too far ahead of me that I haven't had the time to catch my breath and my thoughts. I haven't had the opportunity to think about the year that has passed and am therefore not too sure what to make of the year to come. So perhaps I'll just "wing it" this year. After all, the biggest uncertainty has entered my life - Lauren. And a good one I'm expecting it to be. Not "good" as in "fine and dandy, happy and glee", but good because there is nothing quite as challenging, and nothing that requires as much faith and dependence on God as a child who is and will be totally dependent on you, and as my colleague pointed out to me, it will be for life. As much as she grows, so will I. That has to be good.

Have a blessed year ahead, one and all.

I am an INTP - huh?

Saw my friend's post on this in her FaceBook page and decided to try it out for myself. I'm a sucker for personality tests. Hahaha... Tell me, does it sound like me? I think it does.

***You Are An INTP***


The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But not an easy person to stay in love with.
Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative.

At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded

When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic


What's Your Personality Type?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/

Thank God for Mothers

And now I know why. It's tough. I didn't think it would be *this* tough, but it is.

From the moment you decide you want to become a mother, I can assure you, nothing that happens can be what you're prepared for, how your body will change, how you could react to the pregnancy, and then - how your life will change when baby finally arrives. Nothing anyone tells you can actually truly prepare you for any of this. All the reading, all the theory, all the prep work. Not that any of it is useless. Reading up helps. Talking to people and asking questions help. But it's still some bit of a shock to the system when you start living it out yourself.

I look at my daughter now, and she's the cutest thing to me. But knowing she's a girl and one day could be a mother, it actually pains me to think she could potentially go through all I have been. It's tough. I pray she will be tougher. And when her turn comes, I'll be there for her like my mum has been for me. Thank God for mothers.

Superman to the Rescue!

We went down to Gramophone last night for a quick look around to see what we could watch for movie night. Instead of a movie though, I found Season 6 of Smallville (currently showing on Channel 5 every Saturday at 6pm) for rental. Oh glee!

So here's the plan. I pop the DVDs in just before bedtime, and I turn the tv on at every feed and watch 30 mins worth of Smallville each time, with the subs on of course, so I disturb no one in the wee hours of the morning. And since Lauren's tummy is almost functioning like clockwork now, it means I get to finish about 3 episodes over 6 feedings from 10pm to 8am. I'll be done with Season 6 by Friday morning, when the discs are due for return, and then we'll look for a new set of videos to watch.

Last night, I completed 3 episodes, and I emerged in the morning feeling less irritable. Superman saves the day!

How long can you last on 3-4 hours of sleep?

Not much longer for me it would seem. This state of not getting enough sleep is getting to me. I'm tired, my temper and emotions are shorting out at a faster rate, and I think my sanity is just about to give way.

She wants to feed every other hour. Each feed lasts between 30-40 mins. There's usually a need for a diaper change in between. That usually takes another 5-10 mins. Sometimes, KM helps me. Most times I try to let him sleep unless I feel I really could do with a little more help. Then I need to burp her or at least keep her upright for another 5-10 mins. Therefore, if like today, she wakes up at 3.10am for a feed & change, I'm not done with her till about now - 4am. And if she needs to feed hourly, she could be up in another 10-15 mins. If I'm lucky and she decides to feed in 2 hours, I might be able to get at least 30-45 mins of sleep in between, considering I'm not normally able to fall asleep upon contact with my pillow. This pattern will last through the day until the next night. It has been like that for almost a week. I blog, typing with one hand while she feeds. This logging helps me maintain some bit of sanity, pulling my thoughts together in an attempt to find some coherence in me still.

I am tired. I am quick-tempered because I am tired. I am upset that my fuse is running so short. But I am tired. I feel bad that I feel so tired. Yet how can I not feel tired? I want time for myself. I feel guilty when I do find time for myself. But I need time for myself, to myself. I don't want visitors. He cancelled all visits from his relatives and friends. I'm grateful, but he seems angry with me. I am upset that he's angry, but I am tired. So very tired. I wish I needn't have to feed her, so I can sleep. How can I be thinking something like that? I love her. But I am so tired. I'm in tears.

Attempt at Getting Organised

We went to IKEA for a short while earlier and bought us over $150 of storage solutions.

My mum, in her efforts to help me get rid of the source of my irritation, sent me off to IKEA with a list of types of storage boxes to look out for. A minor dent in the pocket later, I must say I'm feeling a fair bit better than I did yesterday. At least the diapers are in neat stacks in nice fabric boxes and my mum managed to find space to hide the inumerable bottles of Dom. Don't we all just love IKEA?

Without a Care in the World

I wish I could keep her in this state forever, that she may never need to have a care in the world.

If only.

Feeling Irritable

I think being at home for long stretches does not suit me. I'm not complaining about being on Maternity Leave. Far from that. I'm enjoying not having to go to work and spending all my time with my baby. But, I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me and feeling too tired to deal with them. I'm not enjoying looking at the mess around me, feeling too tired to deal with them, and having them accumulate each day I don't deal with them. In fact, I'm not enjoying this state of mess and mentally logging an increasingly long list of to-dos to the point where I'm feeling highly irritable and ready to snap.

I can't stand the fact that I have 8 bottles of Benedictine Dom lining the floor in my study room. I can't stand it even more that I have uncountable numbers of Brand's Essence of Chicken stacked up in all possible cupboards in my home, and because there are so many bottles and so little space, the bottles have spilled over onto my study room table. It gets to me that there's an unused, old, baby cot mattress that's leaning against my study room cabinet such that I cannot open the doors and get what I want. I am not appreciating the numerous hampers with their useless content that have been coming to us from people I don't even know (ala in-law's contacts and acquaintances), taking up space in my small home. It frustrates me that my maid leaves her pillow, blanket and mattress out in the open in the study room. And it is absolutely getting on my nerves that despite repeated instructions to throw away the stacks of useless plastic/paper bags that have come with gifts and goodness knows what else, they are still lying around in even larger bags in my study room! My study room is becoming this huge warehouse of junk and I can't do any of my craft activities in there (or anywhere else) at all because I can't get to my supplies!

I feel like throwing everything out of that room into the corridor outside and let them rot and fester in the rain.

Highly irritable and irritated.

Back on Direct Feeding! Yippee!

As of last night, I've gone back on 100% direct feeding from both sides. *broad grin* I had a little scare in the middle of the night though, when Laurie somehow suddenly appeared to have problems latching on to the left breast (which was not the case just a couple of feeds before), and I really panicked. I actually started to perspire! But that eventually sorted itself out and she's been feeding fine for the last 5 hours. In the meantime, my breasts seem to be filling out really quickly, so I reckon I will still express some to keep for Grandma to feed her when I really need some extra sleep, or have to be out somewhere.

On a totally separate note, I think I have a very sleepy family here. This morning, my alarm went off at its usual shrill note, and for the first time, I actually didn't react to it immediately like I normally would, being the light sleeper that I am. Instead, I took a long while to search for the switch to kill it, and when I rolled over to look at the rest of the bed's inhabitants, I found everyone else fast asleep despite the noise.

Partially back on direct feeding...

It's been 2 days of feeding Laurie expressed milk from the bottle while my nipples heal over. Just a couple of hours ago, I tried nursing her directly from the less sore side again, and it was sheer joy to see her suckle. She seems to enjoy feeding from my breasts instead of the bottle (and I enjoy it just as much watching her suckle), so it was really upsetting for me not to be able to for 2 days. Worries of nipple confusion have been allayed, though my sis told me babies just somehow solve the issue for themselves. Even the lactation nurse I saw at the hospital yesterday told me to express and bottle feed for the moment.

I've got an appointment to finally meet the LC at the hospital on Monday. Hopefully we can solve the problem of sore nipples. The paed and lactation nurse both were of the opinion that it could be that Laurie's mouth was tiny in relation to my nipple size. Perhaps the problem would "solve" itself as she gets older. Meanwhile though, I've been encouraged by a friend to feed direct for a few minutes a day until the nipples toughen. In the meantime, I'm gonna still express for most of the day, and try to feed her directly once or twice in the evenings just to keep the rhythm. I'm praying it will all get better soon. I'm sure it will.

So Useless...I'm in Tears

I didn't mean to release Laurie from her latch earlier, but it was just so painful, I burst into tears!

Breastfeeding is turning out to be a real challenge, not for the lack of milk production, but for the pain that comes with it. I feel so useless - I could give birth to her without an epidural, but I can't even breastfeed her! The pain was so excrutiating earlier when she gave her initial clamp that my reaction was just to pull away. That caused Laurie to burst into tears herself, naturally. She was both hungry and upset, I'm sure. She must've been wondering why Mummy pulled away so suddenly. Kee Min took over and tried to pacify her by rocking her back and forth. My poor hungry baby, screaming away!

It was a long wait before I could get any milk to her. I really couldn't let her feed from my breasts because the nipples really hurt, and waiting for the steriliser to complete its run before I could use the pump and the bottles was agonising. Her wails were so heart wrenching, I couldn't stop crying. Oh the guilt! By the time I was done pumping and ready with milk in a bottle for her, she had cried herself to sleep and wouldn't wake to be fed. Terrible me.

I'm certain I've been doing everything right. Her latch has been good and correct according to all the instructions I'd received from the lactation consultant while at the hospital, and from all the sites I've been reading. Even my sister said her latch was correct when I she came over the weekend and saw me nursing Laurie. Yet it hurts so badly. And my heart hurts so badly now too. What do I do? I'm watching my little princess sleep so soundly, but on an empty tummy, all because Mummy couldn't take the pain...

Laurie settled into this position while feeding this morning. Isn't she just an angel? I'm so in love with her! She'll be a week old tmw, and she's been feeding well and putting on weight steadily since discharge. She sleeps well at night too, so we've been getting good rest as far as standards for new parents go. No complaints. Giddy with love and joy.

It's Been 5 Days

It's been tiring but wonderful.

She's such a darling, I could stare at her for hours! Her feeds are finally getting longer, with her taking in more each time and consequently the breaks between feeds are also lengthening. I reckon it's got to do with that I'm finally producing milk rather than just colostrum, so she's probably getting more full with each feed. That also means I'm getting more sleep in between! Thank God for that! KM and I are certainly beginning to understand the term "sleep deprivation".

Sleep issues aside, confinement food is already driving me nuts - I don't know how I'm gonna be able to take a whole month of seriously heaty food. My nose bleeds are not going away thanks to all this extremely... what's the English word for it? Potent food? But I suppose after 9 months of great discomfort, what's one more month? :P

We Became Parents Yesterday!

My water bag burst at 6.30am yesterday. I had never seen KM bolt out of bed so quickly before! After pottering around for a bit - both of us managed to have breakfast and a quick shower first - we left for the hospital at 7.30am and were in the delivery suite by 8am. And 4 hours later, we became new parents! So far, it's been an awesome, albeit tiring first day, and she is certainly the cutest little thing to come our way.

My aunt asked me to describe the experience in one word last evening, but I couldn't think of one. No words could've described it for me, really. But almost 24hrs later, I'd say the best word would be "intense". I didn't think I could do it without epidural or any other form of pain relief except bruising KM's hands as I held on to them so tightly each time the contractions came, but I did! Poor KM's hands now have battle scars to prove it too! I have to cut my nails before we go to the hospital the next time. Next time? Yes. Not so soon, but I do think there will be a next time.

Praise God for a quick labour and our little miracle. And thank you all, for your constant prayers and blessings.

On the Throne in the Delivery Suite

So this is me blogging from my phone (no internet connection here in the Delivery Suite), and this is it!

Hot, Bothered and Very Restless

No sign of baby yet. She's enjoying the food and lodging too much. I, on the other hand, am beginning to feel increasingly restless, hot, bothered, HIGHLY irritable and all round impatient. The next person to call me up and ask whether baby has arrived yet will get yelled at by me. Which is why I am not picking up the phone when it rings. While I would like her to be a Dec baby, the wait is starting to get to me cos she's getting too heavy for me. :P And these Braxton Hicks contractions are getting me really tired. Not to mention the backaches ('cos she's getting too heavy!)

Meanwhile, I'm trying to distract myself with baking. Just baked another lot of cupcakes that's supposed to be coffee flavoured, but KM says the coffee flavour hasn't come through. Smells like coffee though. *shrug*

Has it started? Clueless

I have been up since 2.30am. It's now 4.45am. I can't seem to fall asleep cos of this nagging lower back ache and slightly sharp pains that come and go. "Slightly" cos I'm not sure if they really hurt or not (ooh... I'm feeling it again), and I have a relatively high threshold for pain, so while these pains may be sharp, they don't make me scream or anything.

So now I'm up, sitting in my bed blogging. Just a while ago, I was IM'g with a friend, who seems rather certain I'm in the first stages of labour (she was up with her baby). Tomorrow marks 38 weeks exactly, so no, I'm not exactly early I suppose, if this really is the start of labour. I'm just wondering how to react now. Do I start packing my bag? It's partially packed now. But most everything else is still not in order.

I'm trying to time these waves of discomfort. So far, they seem to be 10 mins apart. It could well be a false alarm. But who knows? Thing is, KM is supposed to be up in 30 mins time to get ready to go to Malaysia - which we already had a disagreement on yesterday. I've already woken him up once to tell him I could be in early stages of labour, and his response was, "No kidding?" before rolling back to sleep. Duh. Ah... another one of those funny pressure feelings again... I think he shouldn't go, even if it takes another 2 weeks for baby to come. Goodness knows what men think is priority anyway.

Two and a Half More Weeks To Go

Baby's engaged, according to our gynae, but she seems very snug in me still, enjoying the food and lodging... no sign of her wanting to come out yet. This despite contractions being detected by the whatchamacallit machine. I didn't feel any of the contractions though. Maybe cos it's not too painful yet? Or perhaps 'cos I've got a high threshold for pain? In any case, it's 2 and a half weeks away to her estimated due date. As long as she doesn't go past 8 Dec, I'll be glad. Meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy my leave, so perhaps I should just ignore all office emails which have certainly been a source of real irritation.

Water Birth, New-Age, Airy-Fairy... Err... Hmmm...

We discussed birth options with our gynae at our last visit, and she suggested we get a doula (a birthing assistant) if we wanted to go for a water birth. And so... we made an appointment with the person she suggested, and it doesn't seem like the doula and I are gunning for the same thing.

When we decided we would go for water birth, it was really because we wanted to use water birthing facilities as a manner of pain relief, rather than to go through this whole new-agey birth experience. The doula, however, told us that if we wanted to work with her, we would need to sign up for hypnobirthing classes. Now, before anyone gets the idea that hypnosis at birth is linked to hypnotists making people bark like dogs on a stage, let me just be absolutely fair to what this technique is about - you don't get hypnotised out of the pain. Really. It's just about deep relaxation techniques so that you can "enjoy the entire birthing experience". Which truly, is a fair thing to gun for and work towards. If that is what you want. I just want to go through a natural childbirth with no epidural.

All this talk about painful childbirth seems over-rated. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm anxious or afraid 'cos it's "very painful!" Is it now? My mum never had epidurals; neither did my cousin and some friends. Apparently, the concept of horrendous pain during childbirth is a cultural one. Especially in the west. Many Asian cultures simply accept that childbirth comes with pain, and so deal with it. And I'm beginning to think hypnobirthing is cashing on this very simple concept of "dealing with it". A google on "hypnobirthing" yields nothing but a long list of companies offering courses to teach people something that's just ...cultural.

I still want to go for a water birth. Just for pain relief. But hypnobirthing? Nah...


The only real issue I have with this entire hypnobirthing technique is this - I think

Nutella Cupcakes!

KM had a choice between Carrot Cupcakes or Nutella Cupcakes last night and he picked Nutella. :) Guess Nutella sounds better than Carrot anytime, huh?

I decided to try it myself (risking all!) and had half a cupcake, and guess what? My tummy held out! Nutella doesn't make me sick! Whoopee!! *grin*

Here're some of the cakes before they went into the oven.

And the cakes cooling on the rack.

5 more weeks!

Baby's growing well and certainly getting stronger! Her kicks aren't quite so kind anymore and they can REALLY HURT! Pain aside, I'm glad she's kicking as she has been though. Always good to know she's active and I do hope she stays that way.

I've put on all of .. *drum roll* ... 6kg!!! Quite an achievement I dare say. I reckon baby should be making up some 1/3 of that so far, perhaps a little more. Gynae said weight gain was coming along well, so no worries there! She also said that baby's cooperating and her head's already started to move downwards (her head's sorta on the bottom right hand side of my tummy now). Everything's going well, and we're well on track towards 8 Dec. :D

Meanwhile, I'm thinking lots about chocs (I miss 'em) and KM bought me a pack of Marks and Spencer Milk Chocolate Digestive biscuits, though he thinks I really shouldn't eat any since I always regret it later. I figure though, perhaps I could try some close to bed time, so even if it makes me sick, at least it's bed time... y'think? :P

Smells like the Holiday Season is here

It's November! And things smell different. The air feels cooler and lighter already with more rains coming to us. Everyone seems more relaxed, despite year-end rushes to complete work. The holiday mood is certainly in the air. After Deepavali next Thursday, we'll all be counting down to Little Lauren's arrival and Christmas!

Thoughts of cupcakes and presents, holly and lights fill my mind now... and baby booties. *grin*

Today's Lunch!

I prepared some batter for cinnamon pancakes a few days ago, and decided to have a pancake lunch today. Doesn't this just look yummy? *grin*

My friend said I should keep life simple, but why do that when you have pancake batter and egg rings??

Urgency

Megan was playing with Dylan's markers the other day and accidentally put one to her mouth. Being the good brother that he is, Dylan got alarmed and went straight to my sis.

Dylan: MUM!!! Megan put the marker on her tongue! Quick! Pray for her that she'll be ok!!
Mum: (reading) Mmm... ok... (continues to read)
Dylan: (alarmed) MUM!!!
Mum: Oh! Oh! Okay!

Adults... Tsk, tsk...

Recent events have got me thinking a lot about how I want to live my life and what really brings me greatest joy. In fact, the year has got me thinking a lot about these issues.

Being pregnant has been the most significant thing to have happened to me this year. And more than just being pregnant, but feeling ill or physically unable to do what had previously been easy to accomplish for most of the last 8 months has been a most frightening and humbling experience. To think that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop or prevent yourself from feeling sick (or not), putting on weight (or not), or even influence how baby is growing and developing. Everything out of your hands. No meds you can take to stop the nausea. No exercises to help determine how your body will shape up. No amount of planning. No amount of worrying. None of these would be able to affect the state of things. The only thing you can do, is to trust in God's plans for you and your baby. For you and your entire life, what it is, what is to come, what is to be.

In the whole scheme of things, suddenly, the mess at work seems not too important afterall; bitchy colleagues and ungracious people somehow seem very trivial; and wanting to be one up above the rest seems to be the wrong value to hold after all.

I find that what brings me greatest joy now is to take care of my husband, and soon, my little one too. Their happiness is my happiness. As a friend said to me today, "So much for feminism and emancipation, huh? When all that makes us happy is being a wife and mother." Well. I've always thought feminism was dumb anyway.

Is It Time?

My cousin recently asked on her facebook, when one would know if it was time to leave an organisation. My answer was, when your values were no longer aligned to that of the organisation.

I am now at that point myself where I am questioning the integrity of the people I work for. It upsets me greatly, things I have seen and heard as a 3rd party observer, and things I have experienced for myself. I am not angry. I am sad. I am in tears because of it. And I now ask myself, "What next and when?"

No More Flour

No more butter either. And soon, I'll be outta sugar. Been baking lots and lots till I've run out of ingredients at home! And it's not like I can eat anything I bake, and there's only KM and our domestic help at home... so I end up with a mountain of cupcakes and brownies, and um... they look like a task to consume. :P

But, but, but... despite the sugar sensitivities, I did try one of my teeny, tiny, mini brownie cupcakes last night. I dare say food that come out of my kitchen taste very decent! I did go to bed with a bit of a lousy tummy after that though...

Finally baked some brownie cupcakes and iced a few. These are for my mum-in-law. Didn't manage to celebrate her birthday with her, so this is a small make-up treat. I have no idea how any of my cakes taste since I'm still not keen on sugar, but I hope she likes them.

I feel so blessed, truly.

Just on Saturday, a friend who's going back to London soon, came by and dropped off her baby cot, baby changing bed, milk bottle steriliser, breast pump and travel cot! That's gonna save us a lot, and I am so, so, so grateful for the stuff!

Baby's just so blessed. And so're Mummy and Daddy. :D

Scrapbaking

KM took me back to BIY yesterday. I finally bought me a cake decorating set, some food colouring, a cake caddy, and a cupcake magazine. It's been a long time since I've baked cupcakes, about 4 years, to be exact. Somehow, when I got posted to HQ, I stopped having the time to muck around with my baking tools. Then when we got married, we lived with my in laws who had an oven that was really more like a glorified cupboard. Now, finally, I'm re-kitting myself with all the necessary bakeware any home should have, and reacquainting myself with an old hobby.

As we stepped out of the shop, KM said to me, "Happy Scrapbaking, hun."

*grin*

Baby's Plump!

Had another visit to the gynae's today. She said Lauren's plump! She weighs 1.8kg now, and the gynae reckons she will be a good weight of about 3kg at birth, which is great! She said too that my weight gain's been very "efficient" too, cos I've only put on 4.6kg thereabouts in total, and 1.8kg has gone to Lauren. The rest is probably the water and the placenta.

Lauren's now lying mostly on my left side, with her head to my right. Explains all the kicking I get when I lie down on my left. She doth protest the lack of space whenever I do that. Hahaha!

Anyway, I'm glad baby's doing good, though doc said my health is equally important, and my anaemia has returned at an all time low. Have to start taking iron tablets, which I *so* dislike. No choice though. I wish drinking Essence of Chicken was sufficient this time. Apparently not. Bleah.

Cupcake or Muffin?

I've been wondering. What's the difference between a cupcake and muffin? My American colleague says a cupcake has icing; a muffin doesn't. But muffins to me have always been savory breads ala McDonald's Egg McMuffin.

Then came the question from my American colleague - what's a biscuit? And cracker?

So, what Americans call "biscuit", the Brits call "scone"; American crackers are English biscuits; English crackers are American crisps; American fries are English chips.

Napkins and serviettes?

Have I got it right? Wrong?

Edible Scrapbooking

I got KM to take me to the Bake It Yourself shop along Bt Timah Road today. The first thing he said when we walked into the shop was, "I can see why you wanted to come here. It's edible scrapbooking!"

Hahahaha!!!

Indeed. It was like walking into an edible scrapbooking shop - all the tools, the icing decorations, the bottles of colouring...

My next obsession yet. But first, I need to find racks for the oven so I can actually bake!

Restless @ Work; Growing List of Want-to-Dos

I've been extremely restless at work. A lot of it has to do with the sheer amount of work to be done, the feeling of being unable to do it all in time, and the boredom of facing the same sets of things to be done day in, day out. And in my restlessness, I think up more things I'd rather be doing, but will likely never do them 'cos I'm getting heavier, sleepier and consequently, more restless. This is a vicious cycle.

Round and round the garden...

I want to bake. Cupcakes. Big ones, small ones, chocolate ones, butter ones, those with icing, those without, dum dee dum. I don't even know how to work the convection function in the microwave oven my sister gave me 'cos she gave it to me with no manual (and no baking trays either). Duh. But I want to bake anyway. Not like I will eat them. Still mostly sugar averse. But, but, but...

And I want to do up some Christmas presents now. My desk top is dead though. So I can't print photos or cards or make tags and all. No matter. Can still think about doing them. Highly likely they'll never get done though (see above reason). Nevermind.

First things though - must finish baby's knit top and start packing my bag. 8+ weeks to go. I'm slacking a bit too much on the baby front...